...because, apparently, if you are a Republican your job always provides you with health insurance benefits, and you never lose your job – and with it your health insurance.
And if you are among the 10 percent of the work force that has been laid off, by reregistering as a Republican, you will instantly be given a job that provides health insurance benefits. Only unemployed Democrats too lazy to reregister are uninsured – duh!
And if you are a Republican, you are shielded from those back-breaking costs of ever-rising private health insurance premiums. As a Republican, your premiums will always be covered by your employer, no matter how high they skyrocket.
And if you are a Republican, you never have to wait to receive medical services of any kind. Every prescription can be filled right away. Every test your doctor orders can be completed today, every result instantaneous. And every surgery you need will be scheduled at YOUR earliest convenience.
And if you are a Republican, your out-of-pocket medical expenses are always affordable. I’m not sure about this, until I reregister, but I’ve heard that once you are a Republican you don’t even to deal with co-pays and deductibles.
In fact, rumor has it that if you are a Republican, you never even have to experience sickness or injury at all!
And because you are never sick if you are a Republican, you never have to declare bankruptcy due to the expenses resulting from catastrophic illness. Bankruptcy is SO Democrat.
And in the exceedingly rare event that, despite being a Republican, God tests your faith, and allows you or someone in your family falls to fall ill or become injured, your resources are such that you easily can pay anything that is not covered by your insurance policy.
Being Republican also means automatic exclusion from the process called recission, in which insurance executives receive bonuses for refusing coverage on expensive claims based on small technicalities. Heh, God would never be that cruel to a Republican!
If you wonder how I know all this, why I am today filling out my change-of-party-affiliation card, it is because Republicans in Congress keep telling us that there is no problem, that change is dangerous, and that the status quo must stay, and I’ve finally wised up.
According to Republicans – both those elected, and those rank-and-file, gun- and pitchfork-armed, patriotic town-hall rabble-rousers – all is well under our private, for–profit health insurance system. Clearly, being a Republican means not having to worry about health care. I get it now!
Being Republican means having sufficient means to elect not to participate in Medicare if over age 65, or in the VA health system if a veteran, because "socialism" and "government involvement" are high evils. I want to be that rich! I want to send back my Social Security checks each month with a note that says "use this to buy more armaments!"
Being Republican means being perfectly okay with a system in which multi-billionaire CEOs make obscene profits at evidently only Democrats’ expense. I want to be that comfortable that I can turn a blind eye to such wanton greed!
Being Republican means barricading your neighborhood from the socialist fire and police departments. Hell, being Republican means you’ve got your own guns and your own deep well – screw those socialized water utilities. I want to be that independent!
Being Republican means holing up at home, and not using those public roads, or buses, or trains, or airports. Why go anywhere? Your home is heaven on earth anyway. I want to be that happy!
And being Republican means you’ve already got a Bible, and every book written by Rush and Anne and Glenn, so your children have no need for those socialized libraries, and socialized schools. For the love of God, I want to be that educated!
So, it’s GBCW for me. I’m outta’ here. Look for me at the next town hall meeting – I’ll be the one in perfect health, holding up the voter registration cards. See me if you want to reregister.